07 May 2013

I'm in the 4th year of my college now. I can't believe it.. I'm going to finish college in no time guys. I'm excited yet scared too. But no, I'm waaaaaay excited. The scared thingy is just a little feeling that came up everytime I thought "Wow another 3 months and I'm going to stand in Graha Sabha wall, wearing kebaya and jarik, and I got my S.Sos (ameeeen).." but yes, I'm excited. I can't wait for my real life. I know it's too much ya. But hey, you got to be excited about something in order to get the energy to face the things you gotta face, right? So yes, I'm so busy with lots of college stuff, skripsi. God, life is hard.

So many things happened. Every thing changes so fast. Everything is a blink ahead. That's one thing that I learn most of all. Appreciate anything, I mean, everything that I got now. I'm trying to find my happiness now. Never thought it'd be this hard lately. I spend my days trying to hide the dizziness in my head. I laugh, I scream, I make jokes. Sometimes it helps, but the moment when I'm alone, they are come: my bad thoughts, my sadness, my guilts, and the silence strikes to my life again. I can't fake it if I'm writing it. This is a one chance where I can put all out my feelings, I can say whatever I want about how I feel, and if anyone ever read it, I don't mind. I'm fine with it. Maybe, just maybe...

Happiness is not easy to find. That's the first thing I found when I'm trying to find it. The more I try to find what happiness is, the more sadness got in to my head. It's a mindfuck thing, I know. But at least I'm trying. I'm happy for what I have and what I am living for right now. My life is not perfect but it's enough. Blessings come every day. Therefor, I'm hoping that happiness is not far away to reach.

Bitterness always caught me in the right place and time. Like this exact moment, when I'm writing this, I am desperately listening to John Mayer' songs. Blues always has its own ways to make me suffer. I hate it. But I'm enjoying it too. You know how the say "feel it, don't run from it, for what you feel now will not come back again" I'm trying my best to do that. I don't want to run from what I have to feel. I promise myself to feel everything that I need to feel. Just like dealing with the problems that I have to face. Is it because of love? Or simply because of life? Or is this the part where happiness strikes me at my lowest point? I don't know. I don't want to know. I'm just gonna enjoy this moment while it lasts.

I'm planning about something right now. I'm excited but I feel very bitter. Empty. Remembering all things happened last year, I want to make things right again. I have to make it better than the last.